Only Heterosexual Miners To Be Rescued
In a statement that has shocked many, it has been announced
that anyone who is openly gay or suspected of being gay, will be prevented from
crawling out of a mine shaft where miners have been trapped for over two months.
The joint statement has been issued by the Catholic
Church, the Tea Party and members of the Heterosexual Alliance Saving All Acceptable
Souls (HASAAS), headed by New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl
Peladrino.
Underground, the reaction has been explosive.
“My God, who do they think did our laundry down
here? I’m not leaving Steven behind just because he’s a faggot,” remarked one
burly miner. Others chimed in, citing the number of positive contributions gay
miners have made to the ordeal.
“The food has been incredible. Milo can make a
mushroom alfredo sauce with only the barest ingredients,” said Jonathan
Anderson, a ruddy faced fellow with brazen
tattoos of the American flag and Betty Boop
brightening his bulging forearms.
Families gathered outside the rescue site, hoping
to hold their loved ones in their arms in just a few hours. Most were unaware
of the growing controversy over gay and straight miners being treated
differently, but some had heard the news.
As a spotlight flashed on the first miners out of
the tunnel, a young voice is heard crying above all other sounds, “Daddy, Daddy
you fucking faggot, why did they let you go?”
“Because I lied son and told them what they wanted
to hear. God I missed you so.”
Linda Carter
October 2010
Inspired by New York
